


The B in Susan B. Anthony Doesn't Stand for Boner

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Inappropriate Erections, comparative studies in alien junk, dave what are you doing that is not an appropriate name for your penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:05:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2024523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave gets an involuntary erection while chatting with Terezi.  From there on it's a downward spiral into ridiculousness and immaturity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The B in Susan B. Anthony Doesn't Stand for Boner

**Author's Note:**

> For [this prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=43548964#cmt43548964).

GC: TH3R3S 4 T3NT 1N YOUR P4NTS COOLK1D  
GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU H1D1NG 1N TH3R3?

You're waiting for Past Dave to come by so you can tell him what to do when the Pesterchum window flashes from behind your iShades and you get this shitty message. 

It gets worse when you surreptitiously glance down and confirm that you do indeed have a suspicious bump down there. The blinking cursor on the reply box is mocking you.

You're a teenager, and one of the shitty things about being a teenager is that sometimes you get an erection when the wind blows the wrong way. One minute you'll be sitting there writing an essay for history class on how Susan B. Anthony was a badass bitch who could take down an army of zombies with nothing but a coin flip using a coin _with her own face on it_ , and in the next… Boom. Boner Central.

(For the record, you do not have a thing for Susan B. Anthony. That _was_ a real fanfic/essay that you wrote, though it was in addition to the normal boring one, and you _do_ have a thing for badass bitches, but in general you prefer your badass bitches to be less old and dead.)

Pretty much anything can land you in Boner Central. Not all the time, of course, but it's unpredictable when it happens. Like in the case of Professional Wrestler Susan B. "Suffer the Rage" Anthony, there is literally no reason you should have a boner right now, but you do.

Terezi is still waiting for a response. You can only pretend to be zoned out for so long. What the hell do you say?

TG: some call it a chicken  
TG: some call it a weasel  
TG: general consensus is that its there to be choked

You know she's watching you with her crazy space-time breaking chat client; your face remains incredibly impassive. Nice save, coolkid.

GC: >:?

No, c'mon! No, Rezi, no! Not the question mouth anything but the question mouth. You heave an internal sigh and, well, you figure the best course of action would be to answer truthfully and as nonchalantly as possible.

TG: chill its just my human bulge coming up to say hi no biggie  
GC: >:O   
GC: TH4TS SO W31RD! WHY 1S YOUR BULG3 UNSH34TH3D?   
TG: whoa what troll bulges can sheathe? they retract go hide out in a cave made of pubes or something?  
GC: Y3S! 1T'S COMMON COURT3SY TO PUT TH3M 4W4Y WH3N NOT 1N US3  
GC: W41T WH4T 4R3 PUB3S 1 DON'T TH1NK W3 H4V3 THOS3  
TG: crotch hair  
GC: NO W3 D3F1N1T3LY DON'T H4V3 THOS3

Hairless retractable dicks. Nice. This conversation is so far from sexy you can't imagine anything could be a greater boner-kill than if smuppets were to get involved. And yet, your boner refuses to be slain. And yet, it seems that each time you repeat the word "boner" in your head, you acknowledge it and therefore strengthen its existence. Fuckin' hormones.

GC: SO YOUR BULG3 JUST H4NGS OUT 4LL TH3 TIM3?  
TG: flops out like a dead worm fat pink and wrinkly  
GC: GROSS!  
TG: unless it decides it wants to get up it does that on its own sometimes  
GC: HUM4NS 4R3 W31RD  
TG: yeah well trolls are weirder

You wish Terezi would drop the subject. All this talk of the goings on between your legs is not helping the situation. It's actually making you start to think about troll junk; making you wonder if what they have is really so bad after all.

Because you have a thing for badass bitches who are not old and dead - you have mentioned this, right? You specifically have this kind of flirty thing going on with this one badass bitch named Terezi Pyrope, who is currently getting her scope on at your junk.

GC: YOU SM3LL 3MB4RR4S3D D4V3 4R3 YOU 3MB4RR4S3D?

Yes.

TG: course not  
TG: dicks just do their thing its normal and healthy for humans  
TG: think of it as a nature documentary troll david attenborough narrating heres a fine specimen of a young male human as you can see his penis is erect for no reason at all which is a thing that happens for many young male humans  
TG: insert montage here of teen boys getting stiffies doing really boring things  
TG: grocery shopping? erection  
TG: getting a drink of water? erection  
TG: making wikipedia edits? whoa nelly that sure is an erection  
TG: these have all happened to me by the way  
TG: worst one was when bro took me on a roadtrip to paris texas so we could strife on top of the fake eiffel tower the one with the red cowboy hat on top of it and we started attracting a crowd and i bonered right there  
TG: on the hat  
TG: in front of women and children oh please god no not the children seeing strider dick at such a tender age will ruin them forever make them have standards that are too high you know  
GC: H4NG ON IM LOOKING UP TH3 F4K3 31FF3L TOW3R

You use the lull in the conversation to check the time with your internal sensors. It's still 3 minutes and 41 seconds until Past Dave arrives. You wonder why the fuck you got to the checkpoint this early. Man, if only you'd been less prompt, you could've ducked into a corner somewhere and shot off your yogurt cannon before Terezi noticed. But noooo~, being a Time player has made you anal about these things.

Pesterchum pings again.

GC: 1 C4M3 1 SM3LL3D 1 L1CK3D  
GC: P4R1S T3X4S W4S D3L1C1OUSLY R3D  
TG: yeah well glad you enjoyed that bon appetit  
GC: 1T W4S NOT 4S D3L1C1OUS 4S TH3 C4NDY R3D 4PPL3S OF YOUR CH33KS 4S TH3Y GLOW3D IN 3MB4RR4SSM3NT  
TG: oh fuck you im not embarrassed

You are.

GC: H3H3H3  
GC: >;]

The embarrassment of having your embarrassment called out is what finally wilts your dick, now ironically nicknamed Susan Boner Anthony. Even the thought of Terezi giving you virtual head by licking a picture of your crotch on her screen couldn't bring it back now.

Past Dave arrives (fucking finally), you point him in a certain direction and give him the thumbs up. He leaves. Mission accomplished, and it only took less than 10 seconds of your life. Wow, totally worth the wait. A+ would be shamed again.

Terezi has logged off by the time you finish. You wonder if you'll ever get to meet her in person and if she'll be as cool as she is online. (She totally would.) You'll draw shitty comics for each other; it'll be a blast. You'll ask her to be your girlfriend and she'll accept because you'll be wearing your snazzy as hell red suit for the occasion and then you'll have sloppy interspecies makeouts and cuddles. Fuck yeah, cuddles and boob hugs.

Fuck. No, Susan, the cuddles are not for you. Down. Stop. Do not pass go, do not collect 200. Do not take that taxi into Boner Central, you hear me? Don't do it, girl.

Contrary to your demands, Susan is a free bitch; she does what she wants. She subsequently uses her hard-won penis suffrage to vote that you should get another erection.


End file.
